


there is no such thing as accident (it is fate misnamed)

by wanhedalycia



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/F, Humour, Kind of fluffy, especially for my loving fiancé tho, kind of cracky, merry christmas this is my gift to you all, mm catches them every time lmao, mm is scarred, regina and emma do the dirty a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-20 00:44:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13135593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wanhedalycia/pseuds/wanhedalycia
Summary: “I think our daughter and Regina Mills are having sex.”orthe five times mm walks in on emma and regina, and the one time she doesn't





	there is no such thing as accident (it is fate misnamed)

The first time it happens she convinces herself that it didn’t. 

 

She blots the memory from her mind and just carries on about her day, doing some grocery shopping and humming a trashy song she heard on the radio whenever it threatens to breach her thoughts again. 

 

It works, for the most part. 

 

Until she realises that the next day, she has to go and see Regina. 

 

In her office. 

 

The thought sparks memories but- 

 

No. She was humming the song again. 

 

But meeting up with the Mayor is quite normal in Storybrooke. For a teacher. Who has children to teach. And often if Regina couldn’t be bothered to wait for the school board to meet - which was quite often, seeing as Regina couldn’t be bothered to wait for a lot of things - she would often call individual form teachers in to speak to them. Not exactly conventional, sure, but it worked well. 

 

Regina was good at that. She somehow, as a single parent, managed to keep the whole town running, day after day, problem after problem, without looking the slightest bit flustered. She kept the town’s cogs whirring like a well-oiled machine, and never even broke a sweat. 

 

In fact, Snow’s brain whispered, the only time you’ve ever seen her look remotely flustered is- 

 

And the song was back! Carly Rae Jepson, she thinks. Horrible song. But very catchy. 

 

Very catchy indeed. In fact, after listening to it only once she was already able to sing the chorus, but hadn’t quite managed to pick up the verses, and that gave her brain adequate time to completely betray her and flash back, in quite vivid detail, to the image of her daughter - her sweet, sweet Emma - and Regina, in a pile of limbs on Regina’s desk - her desk, of all things! - all bare skin and Emma’s hand was not visible at all, and then the vision ends as Louise, the owner of the store cups her elbow gently and asks if she’s okay and she shakes her head, thrusts her shopping basket at the elderly lady, and runs out the shop. 

 

It’s only after she’s had a nice big mug of chamomile tea and a good half an hour of sitting in David’s arms that she’s able to turn to him and say, her shaking voice still strong with conviction: 

 

“I think our daughter and Regina Mills are having sex.” 

 

* * *

 

After the first time, it’s like a curse. It keeps happening. 

 

She briefly entertains the idea of Regina actually cursing her to keep walking in on them in the - uh, throes of passion, but if the looks on Regina’s face are anything to go by then she’s as unhappy about this as Snow is. 

 

And she wouldn’t know how Emma feels, seeing as she’s taken to sneaking into the loft in the dead of night and waking up far earlier than she herself does, and David can never bring up the courage to talk to her. 

 

(“David! Come on, it’s not that hard, you work with her!” 

 

“There was so much to do today, I barely got a word in edgeways!” 

 

“David! All you did was rescue a cat! The same cat you rescue every week!” 

 

“… But the paperwork!”) 

 

So she hadn’t seen her daughter in nearly three weeks and her meeting with Regina was mysteriously cancelled the day after, which she completely wasn’t complaining about at all, so she hadn’t seen her either, so she thought she would kill two birds with one stone and go round to theirs. 

 

And that sterling idea is what causes her to walk in on them for a second time. 

 

She honestly doesn’t know what the universe has against her. She was doing something nice, for god’s sake. She was being friendly. She baked them a pie. A pie! After she caught them doing- after she caught them together! 

 

And she knew that Fridays were the allotted family dinner day, which means everything was going to be fine and PG and have nothing to do with sex at all. 

 

So, she baked a pie and went round to their house at 7:30, which is a perfectly respectable time to go around to someone’s house for a family dinner to talk about various things and relationships and- and stuff, and the door was ever so slightly ajar which was weird because Regina was usually very strict about locking doors (don’t tell anyone, but she was kind of a really protective mother) but she just figured that Henry forgot to close it or whatever so she pushed through the door with her shoulder seeing as both hands were occupied with the pie and- 

 

And as she turned around she was greeted with the sight of Regina on her knees in the hallway - in the hallway! they hadn’t even bothered to move to her study! - and Emma’s dress hitched up to her waist and really, a mother shouldn’t ever have to see that much of her fully grown child and they were only alerted to her presence when the pie went slipping from her fingers and landed on the floor with a thud and Regina’s head whipped round with a fierce glare in her eyes and her knees went weak as she saw her mouth glistening and really, that was her cue to go so she turned and fled, leaving only the pie on the floor of the foyer in her wake. 

 

This time, after an Irish coffee and a long bath, she finally trusted herself enough to speak. 

 

“Our daughter and Regina Mills are definitely having sex.” 

 

* * *

 

The third time it happens she manages to cope relatively well. 

 

Okay, so she doesn’t at all and ends up sobbing in Granny’s arms in the corner of the gymnasium, but in her defence it was really quite traumatic and someone put a lot of rum in the adult punch bowl and so she wasn’t exactly in control of her emotions, okay? 

 

And she felt it was quite justified because it was a winter dance, okay, and parents and kids were there and it was setting up to be quite a nice evening. David looked great, little Henry was wearing a tux and undoubtedly looked the smartest kid there (and one girl was brave enough to face Regina’s stare and even asked him to dance) and Emma, her darling Emma looked gorgeous in this shimmering pale dress that was somehow cute and completely her at the same time, and even Regina looked like she was enjoying herself (even though her dress was absolutely not suitable for a dance with small children because they did not need to see that much cleavage, okay, they just didn’t). 

 

So they were all having a nice night, and David had been dancing with her to all the old classics and Henry and his ‘friend who was a girl but was definitely not his girlfriend’ were having a blast. Plus, the punch was really nice - the three dwarves who had been escorted out were testament to that. 

 

It was all going quite swimmingly until Archie climbed up on the little stage and said that there had been requests for a few people to make speeches and so could the Sheriff and the Mayor and a bunch of other people please come up? And the bunch of other people were found in bathrooms or outside getting some air but weirdly, nobody could find either Emma or Regina, and so she put her hand up, in all of its stupid, stupid glory, and offered to find them. 

 

Which lead to her, tottering around the school after three cups of punch (she was very small, okay, her alcohol tolerance was justifiable) and checking in classrooms and she knew this school like the back of her hand so it was weird that she couldn’t find them, until it hit her: 

 

The storage closet. 

 

Which was a perfectly logical place for them to be considering they were keeping a few emergency party supplies in there and it was perfectly logical for her to check in there because she was sent to find them but what was not perfectly logical was the fact that Regina was pinned against the shelving unit, one hand held above her head by one of Emma’s hands and her bare leg hitched around Emma’s still clothed waist and Emma’s mouth attached to her neck and- 

 

She can’t help it. She can’t. 

 

She shrieks. Loudly. 

 

She shrieks incredibly loudly because the alcohol has removed any filter she has and after shrieking, she cries. 

 

She bursts into tears and she barely stays long enough to see Regina jerk backwards and hit her head on one of the shelves (and it doesn’t even make her feel any better, that’s how upset she is) and she flees into the gymnasium and everyone is staring at her. 

 

She wipes her nose with the back of her hand and looks at David for support, who holds out a hand and takes her into the corner of the gym and sits her down at the table. He is the one who spots Emma and Regina walk in, looking completely normal and put together (whilst she is sat with tearstained cheeks and swollen eyes, and, unfair much?) with a new string of fairy lights in their hands as they point to the ones hung up near the door that, conveniently, nobody had noticed go out. 

 

David offers to string up the lights, and neither Emma nor Regina will make eye contact with her but instead make excellent speeches and she was absolutely, completely, 100% proud of her daughter for doing so but really, she had the Evil Queen pinned up in a storage closet not five minutes ago so forgive her for being a little shaken up. 

 

Granny pulls a chair up beside her, slides a glass of punch her way, and lays a comforting had on her arm, but says nothing. She shoots her a confused look, and the older woman grimaces. 

 

“I’ve still got a nose like a wolf.” 

 

It takes two minutes for her to understand, and two seconds for her to burst into tears again. 

 

* * *

 

The fourth time it happens, she physically can’t comprehend how unlucky she is. 

 

It’s absolutely impossible for this to happen to her this many times. 

 

And this time, it’s ridiculous. This time, it’s some God somewhere who wants to see her suffer. It’s someone up there who wants to see her in physical pain. 

 

Because this time, in the goddamn forest of all places, she nearly loses it. Because it’s the forest. In the entirety of the forest that practically surrounds Storybrooke, she manages to bump into them. In the entirety of the big, green forest, in which multiple people have gotten lost before, on her innocent Sunday afternoon walk, she manages to bump into Emma and Regina having sex. 

 

Again. 

 

And she could have avoided it all by not listening to music, but since she had twenty-eight years of not remembering anything she listened to behind her, she thought she would try and educate herself. 

 

So there she was, strolling along, listening to some Vivaldi or someone like that (she doesn’t care, it all sounds the same to her), when she comes across a small clearing. 

 

And a picnic blanket. 

 

And two empty wine glasses. 

 

And Emma. On top of Regina. 

 

And far more skin on show than she ever wanted to see from either of them. Especially not together. 

 

And that was all she stayed to see because if she was completely honest, she was done. She was done with this all. So she turned around and went back home, telling David that she cut her walk short because she wasn’t feeling too good, and took a nap. 

 

Fine, she had a shot of whiskey before she lay down. But nobody was looking. 

 

* * *

 

The last time it happens, she honestly considers just blinding herself. She feels horrible for saying so but really, it would make life so much easier. So much less traumatic. 

 

Because okay, she wasn’t perfect. She was far from perfect! Her heart wasn’t pure! She had killed people! There were plenty of people in the world who were better than her. And, sure, yeah, it had taken her a while (and a few sessions with Archie) to come to terms with this, but she’d done it. She was okay with not being perfect. 

 

But she wasn’t completely evil! She helped people! She was a symbol of hope! And she never outwardly tried to hurt people or make them miserable. So yeah, she was a good person. 

 

And good people do not deserve what’s happening to her. Good people deserve to hear about their child’s sexual escapades once or twice, and then cringe and maybe laugh about it in the future, but mainly forget about it. 

 

Good people did not deserve to walk in on their child having sex with someone - the woman who had tried to kill her for most of her life, might she add - five times. 

 

Five. Times. 

 

She had walked in on Emma and Regina five. Whole. Times. 

 

And she was sick of it. 

 

She didn’t even know how to react at this point, if she was honest. She’d done crying. She’d done shellshocked. She’d done denial. 

 

But this time? In her own home? 

 

In her own bathtub? 

 

No. She would stand for it no more. This was her chance to tell them what was up. 

 

It was meant to be a nice, relaxing date night with David. It was meant to be a nice evening out and it was, it was a nice meal but then he suggested drinks - which was good, she liked drinks, drinks were nice, but the downside to drinks is that The Rabbit Hole was quite cold, and she was only wearing a dress and so she told David she would pop home to get a jumper. 

 

Which was unlike her, really, since she would usually take one with her, but not today. No, today she forgot. 

 

And so she walked back to her own home, unlocked her door with her key and walked up her stairs to her bedroom and grabbed a jumper, then thought it would be a good idea to reapply some lipstick, so walked into her bathroom that was in her apartment, the bathroom that she owned in the apartment that she owned, her property, straight into a frickin porno. 

 

Because there, in her bathtub (that she owned, the bathtub that she regularly used in the apartment that she owned, and only let Emma stay in because she was her child, really, and she loved her and all but it was kind of time for her to find her own place, if you asked her) was Regina, straddling one of Emma’s thighs and grinding whilst one hand was below the water in between Emma’s thighs and Emma was moaning and god, why didn’t they use more bubbles? 

 

And then, she snapped. They were clearly expecting her to scream and cry again, or at the very least, rush out of the room blushing, but no. 

 

She was Snow White. She had faced trolls. Ogres. Regina herself, as the Evil Queen. Multiple times. 

 

She could handle her daughter and her- her- ex-stepmother? Arch-nemisis? Whatever she was, having sex. 

 

“Get out of the bathtub.” 

 

“Mom! What the hell!” Emma wrapped her arms around pale skin and pulled Regina closer to her in a valiant attempt to protect her modesty, but the damage had been done. 

 

“Get out. Of my bathtub.” 

 

“Oh my god! Get out! Turn around!” Her daughter protested. Regina, surprisingly, was quiet. 

 

“I will step out of this bathroom long enough for you two to get towels and then I will be coming back in.” She turned, left the room and shut the door behind her. She barely resisted the urge to press her ear to the door as she heard rushed whispers from inside, and instead waited patiently for a minute, before opening the door and gesturing for them to stand outside in the hallway. 

 

“You two have to stop.” 

 

“Mom-” 

 

“Don’t ‘Mom’ me! Do you know how many times I’ve walked in on you in the past two months? Do you?” She waited expectantly. “Do either of you know how many times?” Her voice verged on a shriek, but she calmed herself down. She was not losing her cool here. 

 

“No.” Emma grudgingly said, and Regina kept her gaze on the floor. She took a moment to appreciate how young and guilty they both looked, wrapped in towels and dripping wet, with tangled hair, eyes looking anywhere but each other. She nearly snorted at the realisation that Regina was once her step-mother and here she was, giving her the ‘sex in inappropriate places’ talk. 

 

“Five times. This is the fifth time I’ve walked in on you two having- doing- having sex.” She finished, and Emma cringed. 

 

“We’re really sorry, we just-” 

 

“Nope!” She cut Emma off. “I don’t want excuses. What I want is for you to stop screwing around like bunnies in very public places.” 

 

“Mom, we weren’t-” 

 

“No!” Emma visibly startled. “I have walked in on you five times, and it’s about time you both thought of who else could walk in on you? Have you told Henry that the two of you are together yet?” 

 

“No.” Emma mumbled. 

 

“Well then. What if he had seen you? What then?” She paused for dramatic effect. “And in my bathtub?” 

 

They both blushed. “Mom, we’re really sorry.” 

 

“I’m sure you are. But no more sex in public places.” They blushed even further. “Or in the apartment. Especially not in my bathtub.” 

 

“Yes, Mom.” 

 

She glared at Regina, until she lifted her eyes. She figured a look was all she was going to get, so she nodded her head with a sense of finality. 

 

“Now. Both of you. Get dressed. I’m going back out.” With that, she turned, strode down the stairs and out of the apartment and all the way to The Rabbit Hole. 

 

“Hey! That took you a while and… No jacket?” David greeted her with a kiss. 

 

“Nope.” She slid onto a stool and sipped the wine that David had ordered for her. 

 

“Can I ask why?” 

 

“I caught Regina and Emma having sex again.” 

 

“… Okay…?” 

 

“In our bathtub.” 

 

“In our bath- what? Why are you okay with that?” 

 

“Because I finally woman-ed up. I told them to stop having sex in public places.” She grinned at him, taking another sip of her wine. And David, bless his soul, just grinned right back at her. 

 

* * *

 

The sixth time it happens she is more disappointed than anything else, because really? Seriously? After the talk they had only a week prior, they were already back to doing unspeakable things in inappropriate places? 

 

She was getting sick of this responsible Mom thing. It was getting real old. 

 

So, she decided to break it up again, because, really, Henry had only just gone and yeah, sure they didn’t know that Snow had stayed behind to clear up a few dishes whilst Charming took the kid back to the loft after their family dinner, but they could have at least waited five minutes, and- 

 

Oh. 

 

She had rounded the corner and seen the bare legs and the messy duvet and made assumptions, but they weren’t… They weren’t doing what Snow thought they were doing. 

 

They were holding each other. 

 

Regina was sat crossed legged on the bed, still wearing her silk blouse but now sporting a pair of tartan pyjama shorts (that she was absolutely sure were Emma’s), and Emma was sort of in her lap but kind of not, her legs over Regina’s own and resting just behind where she was sat on the bed. Their foreheads were close, no, they were touching, and they just seemed to be breathing in each other’s presence. 

 

“Thank you.” Emma’s voice was little more than a whisper, but it travelled easily across Regina’s sparsely decorated bedroom. 

 

“For what?” 

 

“I don’t know. Just- being here.” 

 

“I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.” 

 

“I just- you know how hard it’s been. With my parents. And the new- the new baby.” Snow’s breath hitched at the mention of him, but it was quiet enough to go unnoticed. 

 

“Yes. I know. But you know you’re irreplaceable.” 

 

“Yeah, I know that, but-” 

 

“No. No ‘but’s. You’re irreplaceable. To your parents. To Henry.” She took a quiet breath in. “To me.” 

 

“You mean that?” Emma’s voice was trembling slightly, and her eyes glistened in the low light of the room. 

 

“Of course I mean that. You mean a lot, Emma, to a great number of people. They all need you. I need you.” Regina spoke the last three words softly, eyes pinned to the duvet. 

 

Emma didn’t reply, instead choosing to pull Regina into a hug. 

 

And that was more intimate than anything she had seen them do. That hug, with them on the bed and with Regina in Emma’s pyjama shorts and Emma’s eyes threatening to overflow with tears and the love, the love between them almost threatening to light the entire room up, that hug was what she felt she was intruding in on the most. 

 

And so she turned. Forgot about telling Regina that she was taking her salad bowl back. Forgot to tell Emma what time to pick Henry up the next day after her and Regina worked on their magic. That could all wait. 

 

And after a peaceful night with David, Henry playing video games on his phone under the duvet where he thought they couldn’t see, she thought to herself: 

 

My daughter and Regina Mills are falling in love. 

**Author's Note:**

> okay so i wrote the majority of this at 3am n i proofread it one (1) time so... sorry for any mistakes? anyway merry christmas for the people who celebrate it and,,, idk enjoy the commercialised holiday anyway if u don't?? 
> 
> i'm on twitter @badassbeatriz if u wanna come say hi (that includes if ur christmas is shitty or ur not in a safe place or family is being dumb or if u just want to talk idk). adios.


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